Sometimes I feel like giving up music. I look around at people who are goddamn incredible and just compare myself. This is not helpful. But even in these times, when I really just want to walk away and stop having to deal with the pain that rejection and insecurities bring, there is a little part of me that just cannot give it up. It can’t and it won’t.
hello
As time goes on and I play to more and more people (including people who enjoy telling me how not special I am, not that I was asking!) I am coming to realise that I just can’t base the quality of a gig on other people’s reactions. I can’t rely on their enthusiasm and praise to be happy. I cannot control other people’s feelings and not everyone is going to like what I do – which is just fine! The reason I can’t give up music is because the core of why I do it is not for other people’s attention and for their love. Thank god for that – it is a trap I have fallen into from time to time but if it were the only reason I think I would have given up a while ago.
hello
I feel like music lets me break into the best part of myself. It lets me reach inside all the gunk and pull out the best bits of myself. Somewhere underneath all the insecurity and the tired person that feels irritated and frustrated with daily life is a being that just wants people to feel good and see their own worth and beauty and be hopeful. Inside of me there is someone who is so excited by the idea of a world where people are happy and feel comfortable in their own skin and longs to help people see hope in their sadness. Even in times when I feel worthless and can’t even believe myself as likeable, I can look to the lyrics I have written and feel hopeful. Song lets me express the positivity from deep within even when I’m numb to it moment to moment. That being inside of me yearns to come out more and when I play the songs it has written I feel a creeping little sense of hope that gets ignited and has a chance to grow. It lets me capture moments of joy and belief that carry me through the hard times. It is magical.
hello
I want to keep making that magic. Writing and singing songs is so healing for me and truly makes me feel alive. This is why I keep going. If my music affects others then I am overjoyed – what a beautiful thing – but if not I have to be ok with that, because I’m doing it for me. I just need to remember that and create that magic for myself alone – other people’s reactions need to be an afterthought or no thought at all, either a bonus, something to learn from or something to let go.
hello
hello
Love love love
Fran
xxx
KittiesAnchorsandHappyStuff 